The Blackbearry Suit™ —T actical Foraging System
Thumb your paw at fate.
A full-body, thorn-proof suit inspired by nature's gentle hunter-gatherers. Walk directly into the bramble. Gather to your heart's content. Come out unscratched and unrepentant.
Order NowBlackberries. Objectively the best berry.
They're also the most forbidding of berries. You can pick what's right in front of you, but there, just beyond reach, are hundreds of ripe fruits. Brambles filled with thorns block your way. You accept your fate. You see it as a metaphor for thwarted desire.
What if you didn't have to accept your fate?
Inspired by nature's gentle hunter-gatherers, the Blackbearry Suit is tailored from high-tech material that lets you enter the forbidden zone and make your blackberry dreams come true.
Unsheathe the suit from its custom case. Slip into its comfortable, air-cooled protective confines. Gather to your heart's content.
Why the suit works
Engineered for the patch
Thorn-resistant shell
A 1000-denier para-aramid weave, the same fiber family used in body armor, repurposed here for fruit. Rated to Himalayan giant blackberry, the meanest bramble in the Pacific Northwest.
Terrifying yet adorable styling
Other foragers will keep a respectful distance. Children will wave. You will be at peace ensconced in comfort.
Fine motor gloves
Articulated paw-gloves with grip-textured fingertips. Pick a single ripe berry without crushing it. Conductive fingertips let you check your Slack taking the suit off.
Built-in bramble cutters
Discreet blades in the crook of the thumb let you get deep penetration into the patch. The berries in the middle have never been picked. They're bigger. You know they're bigger.
Integrated basket holders
Twin hip-mounted holders carry up to 7 pounds per side, keeping both paws free. Stop making trips back to the car like an damned dirty animal.
Air-cooled interior
Passive airflow channels keep you comfortable through long August sessions. You will sweat less than you do in jeans, and you will bleed considerably less.
Technical specifications
Model BB-01
- Shell
- 1000D para-aramid weave, quad-stitched
- Face aperture
- 8" reinforced oval, riveted
- Cooling
- Passive air channel
- Bramble cutters
- Stainless steel, ambidextrous
- Gloves
- Articulated, fine-motor rated
- Weight
- 22 lbs (Grizzly)
- Care
- Hose off. Hang dry.
- Includes
- Custom hard case, hi-vis hunting-season sash, lint brush
- Not included
- Berries, courage, berry love
- Warranty
- 5 years, thorn-only damage covered
Questions
Before you order
Is the suit bear-proof?
No. It is thorn-proof. If you encounter an actual bear, the suit will not help you and may complicate the situation. Please review the included pamphlet, "You Are Not a Bear."
Will people mistake me for a bear?
Yes. That's the terrifying-yet-adorable styling doing its job. Every suit ships with a high-visibility sash for hunting season, and we strongly recommend it.
Why does it cost $16,999.99?
The shell comes from the same suppliers who armor vehicles, and they do not offer a berry discount. Also consider what you currently pay per pound at the farmers market, then consider that the berries in the deep bramble are free forever. The suit pays for itself in roughly 2,400 pounds.
Can I wear it for other berries?
Technically yes, but strawberries and blueberries barely fight back.
How do I clean it?
Hose it off and hang it somewhere the neighbors can see it. Juice stains are considered a badge of honor and do not affect warranty coverage. Returns, however, are only accepted if unstained.
Is it hot in there?
In our August field tests, wearers reported feeling "fine" and "honestly kind of smug."
The bramble is waiting.
It doesn't know yet.
Somewhere out there is a berry the size of your thumb that no human hand has ever reached. It ripens in August. So should you.
Order Now — $16,999.99